The best thing you can hear…..spaghetti tonight! The worst part of it though? Can you cook it? That ladies is a mans worst nightmare. Well, ok to be fair one of many worst nightmares, but I’m sure we have had plenty of those moments here. Why is he on here rambling about spaghetti you say? Who the fuck cares?! Who cares about anything you ever read here? Oh, I forgot….you are a bastion of intellect that only comes here to wax poetic about your superiority. Gotcha, sorry for the mistake boss!
Aside from your narcissistic superiority to me, lets get back on the subject at hand. The other night, many nights removed by this point mind you (as my mind tends to wander for years at a time) I was ask, told? How about spaghetti and you cook it! Of course begrudgingly I went to cook it. Of course there was no ingredients I needed. Of course I was furious like Vin Diesel at a Bald Bull Bdsm dungeon when he doesn’t get the big “Prize”. Lacking hope, furious and fueled by too many Michelob ultras I decided to make it happen…..no matter what could be found in the cabinets.
Or not found, her suggestions only incited the baby shaking fury further. How about those noodles above the sink? Those are rice noodles. What? RAMEN noodles, rice noodles! Fried fucking noodles! The next ordeal…where is the black pepper? Oh on the microwave! Of course there was nothing there but empty ornamental jars. There’s two jars of sauce in the cabinet there was indeed only one SMALL jar.
When in doubt I did as any man would. I took the expensive ground beef, like -10%fat kind out, I poured some nice olive oil (Kroger branded -_-, not extra virgin) into the pan. Then divine intervention! Seeking my chosen spices and finding none, I began to grab random things, olives, vanilla extract, lemon pepper, paprika, red wine, dead bugs, an orangutan finger or two. Into the pan, sear SEAR and more sear. Add some of the sauce, rinse repeat.
On to noodles as I cut through the jungle of overgrown vegetables, no doubt now sentient, though insane from their time in garden Alcatraz…I found noodles. Some old person spaghetti, the fat ass ones like worms, and angel hair *proper noodles for spaghetti* Into a pot with liberal butter and a dash of salt to ramp up the heart attack level, many minutes later….rinse more butter and drop into yet another pot.
To finish drop the concoction of mystery meat onto noodles, and add the secret ingredient. Not the msg, which Is usually the next best thing to LSD to add to a meal….no some cheese. Cheese could make a turd appetizing, I mean just look at how successful Burger King is. Add cheese to a butthole and someone’s gonna eat it dirty or not. Add cheese to a picture and you’re the sexiest man alive, wrap it around your dick and….wait.
Don’t do that one…..don’t ask me how I know not to, but if you do….don’t say I didn’t tell ya not to.
And that’s the recipe, cant figure it out? Get your caretaker to read it to ya grandpa. Maybe tell Alexa to guide you through it…I mean in a couple years Alexa will probably cook the shit for you, suck your dick and wipe your ass while feeding it to you! With that let us rejoice that the future is very bright, very bright indeed gentlemen.
Until next time, put cheese on a plate full of turds and set it close to a bum.
You’ll be happy you did!
Or not found, her suggestions only incited the baby shaking fury further. How about those noodles above the sink? Those are rice noodles. What? RAMEN noodles, rice noodles! Fried fucking noodles! The next ordeal…where is the black pepper? Oh on the microwave! Of course there was nothing there but empty ornamental jars. There’s two jars of sauce in the cabinet there was indeed only one SMALL jar.
When in doubt I did as any man would. I took the expensive ground beef, like -10%fat kind out, I poured some nice olive oil (Kroger branded -_-, not extra virgin) into the pan. Then divine intervention! Seeking my chosen spices and finding none, I began to grab random things, olives, vanilla extract, lemon pepper, paprika, red wine, dead bugs, an orangutan finger or two. Into the pan, sear SEAR and more sear. Add some of the sauce, rinse repeat.
On to noodles as I cut through the jungle of overgrown vegetables, no doubt now sentient, though insane from their time in garden Alcatraz…I found noodles. Some old person spaghetti, the fat ass ones like worms, and angel hair *proper noodles for spaghetti* Into a pot with liberal butter and a dash of salt to ramp up the heart attack level, many minutes later….rinse more butter and drop into yet another pot.
To finish drop the concoction of mystery meat onto noodles, and add the secret ingredient. Not the msg, which Is usually the next best thing to LSD to add to a meal….no some cheese. Cheese could make a turd appetizing, I mean just look at how successful Burger King is. Add cheese to a butthole and someone’s gonna eat it dirty or not. Add cheese to a picture and you’re the sexiest man alive, wrap it around your dick and….wait.
Don’t do that one…..don’t ask me how I know not to, but if you do….don’t say I didn’t tell ya not to.
And that’s the recipe, cant figure it out? Get your caretaker to read it to ya grandpa. Maybe tell Alexa to guide you through it…I mean in a couple years Alexa will probably cook the shit for you, suck your dick and wipe your ass while feeding it to you! With that let us rejoice that the future is very bright, very bright indeed gentlemen.
Until next time, put cheese on a plate full of turds and set it close to a bum.
You’ll be happy you did!
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